you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
