I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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