I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is Oprah even human
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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