I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
