you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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