Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
