I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
