absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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