the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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