Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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