ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
