I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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