life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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