I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
