We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
