Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The uberlube is also flammable
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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