yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
