Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
