bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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