ya dads aren't the best wingmen
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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