There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
