I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
