fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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