he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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