I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
