he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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