Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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