someone get that fucking seahorse.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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