so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
