I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
