By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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