Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
