Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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