I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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