like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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