So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
