everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
whose ass print is on the piano?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's shark week go big or go home
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
