Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
