you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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