I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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