Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
