I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
