What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
