Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She bit a glass in half.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
