He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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