So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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