just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
