In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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