ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
where are you?
Hypothermia
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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