dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
