Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
