goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
