After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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